1. |
New Habits
08:16
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at a certain point
not asking for help
becomes an invitation
to let new habits in
they sink their teeth
deep into my skin
so expectations
are forever lowering
forces conspire
though i’ve got big ideas
no matter how dog-eared
something you said
took four months to hit home
but now i am alone
and it takes hold
restraint is not a cure
it cannot close the door
i cannot close that door
i look upon its frame
the spirit starts to wane
and this is how the other half lives
the other half lives
sadness grows less frantic
maddeningly tantric
it growls and overflows
it envelopes
it threatens to congeal
promising to heal
and i am at my best unconcealed
desire is a curse that
depends on its reverse
i’m realising that’s so much worse
restraint is not a cure
i’m slipping through that door again
restraint is not a cure
i’m passing through the door again
the other half lives
it mercilessly persists
the other half lives
it mercilessly persists
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2. |
M.M.
03:46
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i’ve got poetry in me
waiting patiently to be
plucked up from the grief
and rendered into something less extreme
made universal
relatable to all
so i can keep this from bubbling
surfacing when i have company
i’ve been desperately
seeking something everyone
was seemingly throwing away
and i am not my father’s son
cus when i drink i hate who i become
then i drink and hate who i become
"just because i don’t love you
doesn’t mean that i don’t care what happens next"
i felt a shiver run through me
when i let you back in
i did it just to feel again
but now i think i’m bordering
on somebody that i could almost want to be
if i acted responsibly for once
if i got clean and cut you out
and lived my life without questioning
if i think that i will ever
get to be happy again
cus jesus christ i am alone again
here i am
i am alone again
i’m reminded constantly
of how much i still crave to be
desired by my enemies
ex's friends and people on the street
but i’m doing alright
now my days all start alike
forlorn as i am torn up from
the brief respite that sleep can bring
well-rested i begin again
another day to waste away
until i am wasted again
at least this way i have autonomy
it means that much to me
even though it's paralysing
i know i would rather be
the driver of a crashing car
than passenger to somebody
who thinks they know what’s best for me
but i’m guessing that’s the next step
on the path to recovery
submission to authority
and as long as that choice came from me
in time i think that's best for me
so maybe i am not my father’s son
but if i keep this up will i become?
and if i give this up do i become?
either way i am my father’s son
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3. |
Selflove
03:32
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selflove is not self interest
it's not even preservation
there’s no love in selflove
there’s only desolation
compulsion or addiction
it's a pleasureless dimension
it's sordid desecration
unbearably effacing
this routine debasement
affords no consolation
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4. |
A Clown Ascends
02:18
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maybe tonight
i will finally work up
the courage to defenestrate
launch myself spiralling
down to the ground
the earth never seemed
so sweet to me
mum's gonna be so mad
i hope i don’t have to take
all that guilt with me
i hope that i excel
sell in the next place
but if not
oh well
and if the fan spinning
above me should plummet
please tell them it was
during the final chord
of a rousing crowd pleaser
who still cheeringly parade
the streets with my
prostrated corpse
and just like the song
‘i looked all over town’
and found there was
nothing worth sticking round for
this pain never lessens
so up to the heavens
a clown ascends
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