i don’t mind i’ve been trying to admit my wrongs since i learned to rhyme and maybe in time you could learn to love me anyway just give me a sign my closest friends they're all telling me i need to give up staying inside and that if waking up is the hardest part of every day then harder i should try but what that wager states is that i stand to gain only by living a lie and is any prize so great that it is worth surrendering this sorrow of mine? so i left them all behind i moved back home and tried to hide my jaded side and i was resigned to lead a life of sighs and ever faded highs but on the way to work i see old friends and they pretend they don't recognise me and every time i set my life to verse i hide the worst of my anxieties but that's no surprise for me now i’m too involved in the lies i’ve told to act decisively and this hole inside of me it compromises every goal friends had in guiding me and god i know it's not too late but i can’t move past my mistakes no i’ve no control no steady hands to steer my fate no open arms to spread this weight and i feel so alone now i’m done with education i'll stumble round without direction until i rot still drinking cus i cannot stop still trying to be someone i am not so i am thinking the best way of getting myself through each day is to pray for rain because rain can call off all my plans and the rain it truly understands all my pain so i pray that rain will end the day and that this pain'll go away maybe the rain will wash away the plans i never should've made only the rain will end the day i pray this pain will go away and maybe then i'll be ok

in my head she’s sipping fine wine with sock and her partner in crime and they’re dwarved by skyscrapers and buried in debt but i’ll bet they sleep well tonight and my newsfeed tells me today is my first lover’s first baby’s birthday and i might have somebody pining for me but it's too soon to say and what would it matter anyway? when i’m sure that it’s only a phase two asymptotic curves going different ways i left oxford and tried to cut ties but i shouldn’t have left before sunrise and the shame that i had lives on in the fact that none of you seemed surprised and i'm certain that you didn't mind but i’m still scared that i will be brushed aside so i push you away because i can't find the words to say sorry so its goodbye and it isn’t anyone’s fault but mine you know i tried to stay sober-focused this time i have all this help around me and yet still i decline i’m dissatisfied constantly but i’m so seldom hurt that it wounds me only thrice this year have i been moved to tears and each time it's by those close to me and i know i've been a terrible friend to the people upon which my life depends you can call me whatever i’ll be wounded forever so there’s no need to pretend and its not like i spend each day in a funk over why i should stay it's just that every day’s been a waste since you went away

i wish i lived in harmony but i’ve never found peace in reeds no i’m better suited somewhat uprooted it’s hard to put my mind at ease my easy-going took its leave and all my twenties i've felt so empty i’ve known it since katrina died it's something i don’t try to hide i’m not the same i've been ashamed since not returning her last call so i let drinking take a hold and since that day i’ve been this way or maybe this preceded all i try to blame on alcohol something abhorrent in me lies dormant and when i’m struggling its calm but settled it raises alarm until i send away my friends yes all the ones i used to know slipped through my fingers long ago i burned those bridges or blanked messages which suggests i am capable of making out i’m in control but i lock myself inside the house because i’m scared i'd have to choose between this wallowing and you and without sorrow i’d be so hollow that is without this misery i think i’d simply cease to be it lives within me constitutively i’ve traced it to my very core though through the bottle i ignore that ugly truth which shaped my youth because i know that i can’t be cured of this wretchedness easily but a clean slate might help me escape from being buried here at home this town makes me feel so alone and it keeps me static leads to bad habits and though i hate opening doors all the old ones look just like yours that’s why the reeds don’t comfort me

living with mum means your comfort will come first the bed is ready-made breakfast’s on the table all of your wims are catered to atrophy wins you never need to walk anywhere ever again living with mum means you have to try new things to not grow stagnant or co-dependent fend off the loneliness it brings and wake up to lukewarm coffee new cures in the bathroom you never ordered it's overwhelming living with mum seems to make you argue more you worry she's unhappy and you wonder what else fate has in store all of your sins are catalogued in her memory yet she is ceaselessly supportive and she harbours me living with mum means you get things out the blue but you’re ungrateful not how she raised you you can't accept a hot potato you wake up to three missed calls and all the posters fall on you you’re getting older it's overwhelming living with mum means the end of privacy cus these walls are paper-thin and you're sure that they are pushing in all of your friends managed to move away from home but you are such a failure so you're back here all alone and living with mum means mike board had the last laugh and you’re sure she reads your mail well "a problem shared is a problem halved" so wake up to suffer through another lonely month or two then try to leave here it's overwhelming she’ll wake up to empty rooms a son that dimly fades from view you can’t repay her it's overwhelming overwhelming

when you can’t go straight everything's worth risking when you know you’ll never tow the line or turn yourself in and you won't give up searching though your outlook’s grown so dim cus when you can’t go straight you know you can’t win when you can’t go straight you live to keep drinking you’re full of sin and everything you had is ruined so you play it back over again how he swore he would never give in but if you can’t go straight you’ll end up just like him and when you can’t go straight you'll always over-think things you haven’t slept you mustn’t ever let anyone in and if there’s one thing that's certain it's that nothing worth having comes free and every good fraud has got their reason to grieve

was in the early hours when the sun was tryna rise you lay there in your deckchair practicing sighs so woozily i wandered over less sober than i think you realised you watched me with disinterest i swear you really rolled your eyes i navigated snoring bodies swore i wouldn't hit the floor but i crashed into the table and watched the ashtray soar it flew for quite a distance i’d say it set a new high score and i asked for your forgiveness but you didn’t know what for slumped down by the armrest cus i just couldn’t stand and i watched you roll a joint how your automatic hands always make things look so easy i could never understand then we rolled back into nothing just like the best laid plans then the sun gave up resisting a menace to be feared in submission to the day yeah it became quite severe and it threatened to retire us if we refused to move out of here so i threw a blanket over our heads and all my worries disappeared and i asked you if you minded but you were fast asleep so i gazed up at the red circle the sun made in the sheet man and if breathing weren’t an issue then this’d be the perfect retreat so i told myself "it isn’t" and i let my life complete

i act rehearsed today but i wear a cursed frown solemn studied and ready to be found i'm sending myself away it's high time i left this town but to part without a vow is something i should not allow you make such a merry pair and you’d be unfulfillled without so please be careful treading on this rocky ground an unnecessary stare beckons a welcomed scowl the city boys surround and it's something i should not allow this affair was a bastard’s game another bare and unlasting sigh so i'm draining all the bottles just to survive and if i‘m such an honest man with nothing to hide then why choose his arms and not mine? it's something i should not abide

my heart doesn't race when i cum there's no catharsis to be won though i feel a bit lighter when it's done mostly i just feel numb ad nauseum

they’re all getting bored of me and my silly little pitiful acts that attract and divide all those that i fake to hope to impress greatly depart and this stable demeanor subsides still hiding old plans in the wardrobe behind my latest disguise and under the flesh there resides a brute truth prepping its ugly reprise should i bash in my head or subscribe to sold meds? what’s the best way of masking these rotten insides? a bookworm a critic what a learned young cynic they’re all just so many new suits for old lies and i’ve taken solace in my grandfather’s ethics yeah he lived as he died and somewhere above me i’m certain you grimace when your eyes meet with mine so i’m making a break for it ready to meet my maker i just hope she’s ready this time END